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And You Don't Stop.

I got my World of Theatre paper back. I worked my ass off for a couple of nights and went through a bad eczema breakout due to the stress I was putting my mind and body through in the past couple of weeks. It was a half-assed paper and I didn’t care.

I got a C and it’s the worst grade I’ve ever gotten on a paper. I stared at the squiggly lines under my ‘awkward’ and ‘unclear’ sentences, and the fat blue C in the circle at the big open space under my 7th page (it was supposed to be 7 pages full, whatever) and felt terrible. But the feeling didn’t last very long because I trashed it on my way out of the building. I learned absolutely nothing in that class.

On the train I thought, “Every good grade that I strived for and got in high school, have no significance to me anymore. How cute I must have looked when I walked out of class with a smile on my pale, tired face. The only reason why I am in college is to be a college student. A college student with long sleepless nights, a part-time retail job, and REAL plans about what to do with life.” That C had nothing to do with my ambition, health, or goal. so fuck it.

All I wanted to do was sleep when I got home.

Laundry. Dry Cleaning. The Clutter in the Room. Garbage. Clothes in the Corner.

XMAS SHOPPING. ah, shit.

And I saw the trailer for The Runaways. I never thought I’d say this, but Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning turned me on.

stoge:

Today was your big day and you were supposed to be home by midnight. You were going to straighten your hair. You were going to have an amazing breakfast with French toast and coffee. You were going to be prepared. Now, you wonder why you’re still in this boys room at 7 in the morning, 2 hours before your big day starts. Just before that, the drunken mass of his naked body was on top of you, thrusting. Before that, he was complimenting your brown eyes and telling you that “it’s been a long time since he felt this kind of connection with anyone”. Before that, you knocked on his door with your puppy look asking if you could sleep on his floor because there were no cabs. Before that, you had left for good. Before that, you sat on his bed listening to Christina Aguilera remixes on Hypemachine while he was answering emails from his manager overseas. Before that, you guys were in the cab and you decided to “make it one stop instead of two”. Before that, you were at the restaurant trying to sober up with coffee and he was eating a grilled cheese sandwich, totally ignoring you and flirting with your sister while another table was “drunk singing” happy birthday to their passed out friend. Before that, the bar people had recommended just closed. Before that, you were all outside smoking and the boy told the Polaroid guy to take a photo of you guys and he put it in his top left jean jacket pocket before either one of you even saw it. Before that you told everyone that you had to be leaving soon. Before that, “the couple” left. Before that, a party photographer kept telling you that you were beautiful while you were waiting in line for the bathroom and trying to get you to unbutton your shirt. Before that, you were trying to figure out “what exactly is in a long island ice tea”? Before that, the boy told you that he thought you were amazing and put you in a headlock and then kept his arm around you for a few minutes after that. Before that you and your sister had a heart to heart. Before that the couple was taking turns telling jokes and the girl kept flashing her expensive new pectoral additions. Before that you were showing the boy pictures of your sponsored trip to Israel on your new Iphone 3GS. Before that, you all had dinner and a few glasses of Bordeaux at a place with “the best confit de canard in town” and laughed at all the waiters jokes. Before that, you and your sister met up with this “boy she thought you’d like” at his hotel, where he was having drinks with the couple. Before that, you were in the cab with your sister telling her that you had a big day tomorrow and that you had to be home by midnight. Before that, you were getting dressed in your apartment alone wondering “if you lost more weight, would you also lose your boobs”? Before that you were at work and your boss was telling you that he’s so proud of you and to kick ass tomorrow. Before that you got a note that your sister had called. Before that, you were having lunch alone at your favorite Italian restaurant when you realized that today would have been the third anniversary with your ex.

Bronques

The Best. You Can.

Do the best you can.

That’s what they teach you when you’re in elementary school. It’s the longest lesson to learn, and most adults don’t even understand what it means to really try.

Try talking to me. Try me. Try to make things work. Try not to wait.

Time goes by and it pisses me off. At the same time it lets me go. So I let go.

Say it like you mean it. Don’t say things that imply promises. You know it when you say it, so don’t pretend that you didn’t imply anything serious. What is serious to you, anyway?

I’m only trying to understand. How much of it am I getting back?

Capricorn. So?

I never knew what it meant to be a Capricorn. I never cared about astrology or what the horoscopes said about people like me daily. From time to time, I run into a magazine or a newspaper and flip to the horoscope just for amusement. To see how much of it [I claim] is true.

Fifty percent of the time, I’m shaking my head. A whole chunk would be describing a whole other person. I don’t have a problem figuring myself out. And I don’t believe in compatibility based on birthdays and astrology.

I did, however, stumble upon some small research I did on Google. I found a source that was very much accurate to my personality. It freaked me out. It had some spots where it didn’t match, but the level of accuracy freaked me out.

The one thing that struck me the most was my emotional stability. I can be a wreck one night and still do my thing in the morning, no matter how dark my circles are. I think putting myself in front of priorities scares me, so I don’t.

I still swing my moods. I know it’s bad. I know it when I’m swinging, too. It’s so difficult to stop myself because it’s out of my control, unless I lie.

I’m miserly and grudging. That’s the darkest thing about capricorns (according to this source). I almost never admit that I hold grudges, for my own sanity, so that I’m somewhat relieved of anger. I shrug things off because I’m always looking for better things to bring me back up.

When I’m sad, I’m fucking sad. Just don’t bother me with stupid questions about what went wrong. That way, I can move onto something more bothersome and important that’s worth crying and losing sleep over. I’m not going to ruin someone else’s mood by puking my feelings out about something I could figure out myself before I go to sleep every night or on the train on my way to work. So I’m fucking pissed. So what?

Tell me a good joke. Show me a funny youtube video. Just don’t treat me like a virgin.

Be Bold.

001. i miss somebody right now.
002. i watch more tv than i used to.
003. i love olives. 
004. i love sleeping.
005. i own lots of books.
006. i wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. i love to play video games.
008. i’ve watched porn movies.
010. i have been in a threesome.
011. i have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. i believe honesty is the best policy.
013. i have acne free skin.
014. i like and respect al sharpton.
015. i curse frequently.
016. i’ve changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. i have a hobby.
018. i’ve been told i have a nice butt.
019. i carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. i’m really, really smart.
021. i’ve never broken anyone else’s bones.
022. i have a secret that i am ashamed to reveal. Don’t we all?
023. i love rain.
024. i’m paranoid at times.
025. i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. i need money right now.
027. i love sushi.
028. i talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. i have fresh breath in the morning.
030. i have semi-long hair.
032. i have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. i was born in a country outside of the u.s.
034. i shave my legs.
035. i have a twin.
037. i couldn’t survive without caller i.d.
038. i like the way that i look.
039. i have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
041. i am usually pessimistic.
042. i have mood swings.
043. i think prostitution should be legalized.
044. i think britney spears is pretty.
045. i have cheated on a significant other.
046. i have a hidden talent.
047. i’m always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
048. i think that i’m popular.
049. i am currently single.
050. i have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. i enjoy talking on the phone.
052. i practically live in sweatpants or pj pants.
053. i love to shop.
054. i would rather shop than eat.
055. i would classify myself as ghetto.
056. i’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. i’m obsessed with my blog!
058. i don’t hate anyone.
059. i’m a pretty good dancer.
060. i’m a horrible dancer.
061. i’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. i have a cell phone.
063. i watch much music on a daily basis.
064. i cry myself to sleep.
065. i have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. (DAMN IT, I haven’t)
067. i have never been in a real relationship before.
068. i’ve rejected someone before.
069. i currently have a crush on someone (Katherine Moennig, you will always be untouchable.)
070. i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
071. i want to have children in the future. (err, I don’t know…)
072. i have changed a diaper before.
073. i’ve had the cops called on me before.
074. i bite my nails.
075. i am a member of the tom green fan club.
076. i’m not allergic to anything deadly.
077. i have a lot to learn.
078. i have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. i plan on seeing ice cube’s newest “friday” movie.
080. i am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. i’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. i have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. i have tried alcohol before.

084. i have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past.

085. i own the “south park” movie.
087. when i was a kid i played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum. 
088. i enjoy country music.
089. i love my best friend(s).
090. i think that pizza hut has the best pizza.
091. i watch soap operas whenever i can.
092. i’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. i have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. i love michael jackson, scandals and all.
095. i know all the words to slick rick’s “children’s story”.
096. halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. i watch spongebob squarepants and i like it.
098. i have dated a close friend’s ex.
099. i’m happy as of this moment.
100. i have gone scuba diving.
101. i’ve had a crush on someone i’ve never met.
102. i’ve kissed someone i knew i shouldn’t.
103. i play a musical instrument.
104. i strongly dislike math.
105. i’m procrastinating on something right now.
106. i own and use a library card.
107. i fall in “lust” more than in “love”.
108. cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. i think the lord of the rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. i’m obsessed with the tv show “lost.”
111. i am resentful that i have to grow up.
112. i am an entirely different person around different people.
113. i think the world would be a better place if people just smiled and meant it more often.
114. i think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. i am suffering of a broken heart.
116. i am a nerd.
117. no matter where i am or who i’m with, i always seem to be lonely.
118. i am left handed and proud of it.
119. i don’t change who i am for someone else.
120. my heart resides below my feet.
121. i am a senior in high school.
122. i enjoy smoothies.
123. i have gastritis.
124. i have nothing better to do with my time. clearly.
125. i am listening to radiohead right now.
126. most people call me by my middle name.
127. i once stole a music stand.
128. pi confuses me.
129. i love nascar!
130. i own over 200 cds.
131. i work 7 days a week.
132. i have mono.
132. i don’t have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. people tell me i have a horrible sense of humor.
134. i’m only wearing underwear.
135. i had more than one thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. i’ve driven to a different state to see a band i liked.
137. i am the most over analytical person i know.
138. i believe in wasting time.
139. i don’t listen to too much music.
140. i have a shoe fetish.
141. my favorite holiday isn’t christmas.
142. i prefer weeks off of work instead of days here and there.
143. i love sex.
144. i wanna go home.
145. i don’t know what i would do without my friends.
146. christmas threw up in my dorm room and i love it.
147. friends is (one of) my favorite tv shows.
148. i’m hungry.
149. I dance in my underwear
150. I’ve fallen for someone who was married.
151. i noticed there are several numbers missing from this list, making this very much not the 151st entry.
152. i lied about one of the items on this list.
153. my siblings are my best friends.
154. i believe cheese should be its own food group it is soooo good!
155. i have a problem expressing things.
156. i have lost a parent.
157. i am the most deprived person i know on the face of the planet.
158. i have at least one test tomorrow that i am not prepared for yet.
159. i love slim jims! even if they are really bad for you.
160. i am sick and tired of school so i am not going.
161. i love sundance.
162. i do not watch television.
163. i love starbucks coffee drinks.
164. i am living at least one lie right now.
165. i love wearing skirts, even if its winter.
166. i’m a techie.
167. i am writing this far, far too late/early.
168. i’m a little crazy.
169. i like the smell of white tic tacs.
170. i know at least one person in a “life or death” crises at this moment.
171. i don’t associate myself with any political parties.
172. i always know all the gossip at my school/workplace/whatever, and nobody ever suspects it.
173. i have thought about suicide.
174. i have no idea what i am going to write for my question.
175. i can be selfish.
176. i’m so emo at times.
177. i can solve a 3x3 rubik’s cube.
178. i think the human race is evil & should be demolished.
179. i cheated on a test before.
180. i am a member of animemusicvideos.org
181. i’m sick of drama
182. i need a job